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General Discussions Topics >> The Zany Stuff >> Cheese Poetry

Message started by Forum Administrator on 23. Nov 2003 at 15:43

Title: Cheese Poetry
Post by Forum Administrator on 23. Nov 2003 at 15:43

In the spirit of Jonathan Bing and the Linkmen, I suggest (not for its quality but its subject matter) the work of James McIntyre, a man widely regarded as the worst poet in Canadian history. Read, for example, his opus magnum "Ode on the Mammoth Cheese"

or his "Prophecy of a Ten Ton Cheese"

For more on this extraordinary cheese enthusiast, see:

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by Patrick on 23. Nov 2003 at 19:43

Priceless!  McIntyre sounds like my kinda guy.  A toast to The Cheese Poet!

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by B. Pulley on 23. Nov 2003 at 21:14

One has to admire a man (if not his poetry) who loves cheese that much.


Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by Jeff M. on 24. Nov 2003 at 21:23

I'd be willing to bet money that Mr. McIntyre had a similar love of single malt, which undoubtedly led to these bizarre compositions.  A man just doesn't come up with that sort of thing if not under the influence.

Having said that, I'd also be willing to bet that he was one of the more interesting and entertaining people to talk with at any given social gathering.  


Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by Forum Administrator on 24. Nov 2003 at 22:01

Zounds, man! How dare ye impugn the reputation of cheesemongering's greatest man of letters with these accusations of immoderate use of single malt? The fellow's a veritable oracle of cheese. Besides, in 19th century Ingersoll Ontario, I imagine the best intoxicants he could have found would have been fermented yogourt and bathtub rye. And anyway, even so sober and respectable a personage as Poet Laureate William Wordsworth was known to produce verses such as:

There's something in a flying horse,
There's something in a huge balloon;
But through the clouds I'll never float
Until I have a little Boat,
Shaped like the crescent-moon.

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by Jeff M. on 25. Nov 2003 at 14:10

But you must see the difference, especially with the verse you just listed!  Flying horses, huge ballons, and crescent moons thrown into a pot and brewed up to make a charming little stanza are a far cry from the disturbingly obsessive thoughts of Mr. McIntyre.  

Please don't misunderstand; as I mentioned before that sort of thought process is usually the result of a pickling of the mind, which also tends to create a most interesting personality.  Mr. McIntyre would have been welcome at my table anytime, where he would have found an ample supply of single malt (as I wouldnt have any idea where to aquire bathtub rye).  I'm not sure I would have fed him cheese, however, because you just don't know how people like that will behave when presented with the object of their obsession. Can't risk ruining dinner, you know.


Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by Jim_Fortner on 27. Nov 2003 at 04:16

All great poets thrive on hock and soda water - it's a well known fact.

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by Forum Administrator on 01. Dec 2003 at 14:08

I'm willing to attribute his verses to the effects of wearing a white suit in a full moon. Well know to attract moon-beams and give rise to lunacy.

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by Geoff on 02. Dec 2003 at 01:56

To quote the Professor:

That was stuff. I was under the influence of the rays of the Moon. Such things are known to set people mad and make them spout nonsense.

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by cnabokov on 04. Dec 2003 at 17:37

Does McIntyre recite this dressed as a bird?

"In featered expectation, wait I will....."

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by Jim_Fortner on 04. Dec 2003 at 20:48

I also liked Hints to Cheese Makers on that website:

"For dairymen find that it doth pay
To fatten pigs upon the whey,
For there is money raising grease
As well as in the making cheese."

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by Forum Administrator on 25. Mar 2004 at 20:26

To carry on with the cheese theme, while browsing Amazon I came across this amusingly ironic listing (now sadly out of print):

"Effects of advertising on the demand for cheese"
by James Blaylock

No doubt penned by a different Blaylock, but I suspect the Elfin Ship is a pretty good advertisement for raisin cheese.

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by Forum Administrator on 27. Aug 2004 at 19:29

Not cheese poetry, but I think it puts one in mind of Jonathan Bing:

“AHOY! and O-ho! and it ’s who ’s for the ferry?”  
   (The briar ’s in bud and the sun going down)  
“And I ’ll row ye so quick and I ’ll row ye so steady,  
   And ’t is but a penny to Twickenham Town.”  
 The ferryman’s slim and the ferryman’s young,
 With just a soft tang in the turn of his tongue;  
And he ’s fresh as a pippin and brown as a berry,  
   And ’t is but a penny to Twickenham Town.

From Twickenham Ferry
by Théophile Marzials

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by B. Pulley on 28. Aug 2004 at 10:07

I can almost see Bufo standing on a chair shouting out the words with Gump sitting somewhere nearby, itching to tell him how ludicrous it was because he had no effort in the writing of it.

Gads, we need more Balumnia books!  :)


Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by John Owen on 06. Mar 2005 at 23:55

I know this thread is pretty much dead, seeing as how no one has posted since last August, but I just happened upon this poem by G. K. Chesterton:


 Stilton, thou shouldst be living at this hour

 And so thou art.  Nor losest grace thereby;

 England has need of thee, and so have I--

 She is a Fen.  Far as the eye can scour,

 League after grassy league from Lincoln tower

 To Stilton in the fields, she is a Fen.

 Yet this high cheese, by choice of fenland men,

 Like a tall green volcano rose in power.

 Plain living and long drinking are no more,

 And pure religion reading 'Household Words',

 And sturdy manhood sitting still all day

 Shrink, like this cheese that crumbles to its core;

 While my digestion, like the House of Lords,

 The heaviest burdens on herself doth lay.

Read the entire essay from whence this poem came here:

I love Blaylock and I love this forum (just wish it was contributed to more often!)

-John Owen

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by Forum Administrator on 16. Oct 2005 at 13:25

Were McIntyre, the poet laureate of cheese, still among the living, it is certain that he would have commemorated the epic (and tragic) story of the Saguenay Cheese;action=display;num=1122728278
in verse. However, in lieu of his poetical wisdom, here is Paul Marlowe's contribution to the small but growing corpus of cheese poetry: a memorial to a tonne of cheese, lost in the Saguenay fiord.

The Saguenay Cheese

Women weep and brave men sneeze
When they learn of the loss of the Saguenay Cheese.

But O that bold abyssal curd that plumbed the depths where krakens dwell,
And saw such sights as freeze men’s hearts, of which the cheese shall never tell.

Gone! Gone! Perdu! O mighty cheese, adieu!

Gone to the heavens or gone to the seas,
We’ll never know more of the Saguenay Cheese.

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by faere on 13. Apr 2006 at 17:11

just the posts were hilarious!!

Cheese, cheese, o'please for a cheese
at deepest night, hair floating on the breeze
mouth around that precious cheese-
at morn' with toast, plate on my knees
please, please, please for a cheese-
raisin or swiss, havarti (oh YUM)
twas never a cheese that was wasted or dumb-
in my fridge, in my picnic basket, or on the road
cheese can please
even cheese you can squeeze!-
celebrate cheese, love cheese
it will almost never let you down
it only seeks the palate-to please

to be cont'd

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by faere on 03. Jul 2006 at 15:44

of late i have a summer cold with a sneeze
but, that will not stop me from gorging on cheese
morning noon or night
i must have a cheese
gouda or blarney castle or provalone please
alone or with sandwich--melted on a steak
i cannot forgo cheese, not even for cake
it's cheese in the summer
refreshing and tasty
i will always love it--
 even more than pumkin pasty
please please please for a cheese....

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by faere on 11. Feb 2007 at 04:03

cheese-never forgotten
never, i say!!
you cannot live life without it,
not even for a day!
cheese of exquisite sharpness~~
fromage of delicate sweetness~~
queso of the finest mammal~~
and flavor
you must always savor~
tis cheese, oh cheese
to me, cheese bring
even if it is simply by string

Title: Stinky Poetry
Post by J.D. on 30. Nov 2009 at 10:32

Check out the James McIntyre Poetry Contest at  

This year's winner is "Elegy for a Shrinking Cheese."

Associated with this event is a "Dairy Ode" Contest (a form created by McIntyre).  Some of the entries include:

To a Vain Cheese
The Noble Cheddar
A Cheese Whiz
Ode to the Cream Separator


Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by faere on 06. Dec 2009 at 13:01

and the saga does continue.....

shall cheese sit idling on a rack?
ignored, or simply put back!
NO, says I,
cheese has its place
upon an open sandwich face!
delicate texture, or even as rind
always and forever be so kind
to the fromage
I suggest even possibly a corsage!
honor that cheese, I say!
add grapes, add wine
and never, EVER forget to dine
with our precious and complex friend-
our cheese
for if you please,
there is no reason for an cheese to sit idly by
no reason at all, and if there was I shall cry!
possibly even sacrifice myself and die...
for a specatular cheese-or even the string
if the cheese will have me, i shall consider offering a ring!
cheese is a love, a place in my heart
saints willing, we shall never be apart!

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by Forum Administrator on 30. Nov 2012 at 14:13

This year's pre-eminent cheese verse, or opus caseum:

"A Commonwealth of Cheeses" by Paul Marlowe

Title: Re: Cheese Poetry
Post by Swancrash on 09. Dec 2012 at 05:41

Had a wonderful time reading all about James McIntyre, which inspired me, with deepest apologies to Joyce Kilmer:

I think that I shall never see,
A poem lovely as a cheese,
But I am so happy to espy,
So many attempts gone slightly awry.

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